Sunday, August 3, 2014

The Current State Of My Artistic Process - Trying, Succeeding, Backsliding, Failing, Being Disappointed, Getting Through It, And Starting Over

I don't know that I have a particular artistic "process" - I've never sussed it out - but I can tell you what it's been like for the past couple of months:

- A few layers of chronic fatigue brain fog are lifted with medication. Awareness and brain function aren't drastically improved, but HOORAY!

- I lay out a burlesque act that I've desperately wanted to perform for a few years and get booked! I think I can pull it off whether or not I'm feeling awesome. By bouncing my idea off of other performers and getting their feedback, it is solidified as a brilliant plan. It's encrusted with gilded pomp and circumstance and the grandest/most understated performance plan I've ever hatched.

- I spend a lot of time, energy, and resources on mapping out my music, plotting choreography, and scouring for and commissioning costume pieces. I spend a few other people's time, energy, and resources for related reasons. (Scarlett O'Hairdye, Mandy Flame, and Rick and Seraphina of Meneldor Photography are made of gorgeous magic!)

- I need new headshots and want archive-material photographic evidence of this glorious costume, so I set up a photo shoot. Whimsy and joy ensue!

- It takes some effort, but I have fun rehearsing my act. Oh, MAN is it going to be spectacular! I'm making it happen. All the pieces are falling into place.

- I have an asthma attack and end up in the ER a few days before showtime. My GP says I have a viral infection on top of my asthma and allergies and it will take its own time to pass. I alert the producer and give it a few days. Meanwhile, I can't rehearse.

- The day before the show arrives and, while I feel a bit improved, I know there is no way I'll be able to make it happen. FRUSTRATION. DISAPPOINTMENT.

- I realize I can't/shouldn't do this or any act if I'm not feeling my "best" because a certain amount of energy needs to exist in order to pull off anything an audience thinks is worth paying money for. I know falling ill before a show can happen to anyone, but this is my life. My best truly isn't good enough in this scenario. There is no way to know whether or not I will feel my best at any given moment.

- My efforts are not a complete loss and I am so grateful for the faith that people do have in my abilities. I am, however, disappointed that - once again - I wasn't able to follow a project to completion and let off my big kaboom. (I have so many kabooms inside of me.) There may be another opportunity, but I can't afford to hold my breath (physically or emotionally, har!) Meanwhile, I have wonderful photos like this one to dream my dream by:



I'm super good at dreaming.

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