Wednesday, November 16, 2011

"Powering Through"

I know I just posted about keeping details to myself, but this is something I've been meaning to write about.

I have a beastly cold. I'm told this campaign is a two-week undertaking and I've been in constant combat for a little over a week. I am enfeebled. I have been trying so hard to "power through", but this cold has already cost me a few key engagements. One instance in particular, missing the concert of the year, is causing me considerable anguish. I've managed to honor a couple of commitments, but I anticipate further betrayal.

Getting shit done in the face of adversity has been a quiet and enduring part of my identity for years. I was always involved in multiple projects of varying styles in addition to working full-time. Up until this past spring, I was proud to be able to accomplish more than the average person does. Now, the foundation of my identity is being compromised. I'm beginning to feel like a boxer who just. needs. to. retire. already.

I could go back several years, but this particular point in the decline began in the summer of 2009, after a bout of pneumonia followed by a distinctly horrendous round of viral meningitis (my second lifetime course). I spent months recovering from that, acquiring several mobility assistance devices that I'm glad I kept around for later use. I never completely recovered. Because I was out of work at the time, I could eventually do a few performance pieces here and there (yay!) and then spend the following several days recovering (boo!). I was unemployed from just before that episode until August of 2010. I was privately profoundly uneasy about my possible inability to function within the daily grind, but went for it with gusto anyway. When I was hired as a temp at a mortgage company, there was no easing back into the workforce. There was overtime almost every day, constant running around, and dealing with time-sensitive everything. I actually liked the busy pace of working in the mortgage industry over the years, but my body apparently couldn't handle it anymore. I was permanently hired in February of this year (yay!) and was passed out on the floor next to my desk two months later (boo!).

I have continued to perform in a super scaled-back capacity. I managed to get a lot out of a recent four-day long burlesque convention even though I had to rest/sleep/watch from the sidelines for most of it. I successfully stayed upright at the husband's and my annual Halloween rock show. My Doom Americana band is rolling along at a comfortably slow pace for me. I continue to have lots of ideas for burlesque shows (both as a performer and a producer), but not the energy or funds to make them happen right now.

I don't know how much of my current issues are due to overdoing it or something else. It's difficult to say for sure, since I have so many different health complications and medications on board. I'm concentrating on the "complementary and alternative medicine" side of the spectrum (my preferred side) at the moment. I'd like to feel well enough to get back to working at least part-time in the new year.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

State Of The Blog

I've been mulling over the trouble I've had deciding exactly how to use this blog. As someone who has traditionally shared very little about her health, how much of myself do I really want to put out there? Do I want to lay out every single (frequent, tedious) medication change or post only when something is particularly funny? What is helpful to other people? I've been avoiding posting here until I have something substantial to talk about. Of course, a few substantial events have gone by and I still haven't written anything.

This post arrives on the heels of yet another bust in the process of figuring out this whole lightheaded/fainting business. My general practitioner thought some new lab results might finally be a big deal, but the endocrinologist did not agree. I learned a long time ago to not get excited about something until it actually happens, therefore I was not heartbroken over the news. It's still a bummer that the mystery endures.

I love that I have so many people in my life who care about what is happening and want to help, and I truly appreciate the effort. The business of telling the world (especially through social media) all about my experiences has been empowering, but hugely exhausting. I've decided to go back to keeping most of the details to myself unless they ask to live inside this blog. I have additional ideas for this space, such as to spotlight other individuals with invisible disabilities and any related organizations. So...I guess I'll get on that!