Mostly because I've been coming up with these epic, meandering entries in the middle of the night, getting frustrated, and deleting them. I've been having a hard time figuring out what to say next about this non-linear adventure. I don't usually say much of anything - one reason writing this blog could be beneficial. Pasted below is a note I wrote to my Facebook friends and family a couple of weeks ago so I didn't have to have the same conversation over and over and over (and over) again (and again).
"I post barely anything personal here (no, really). Most of you don't know exactly how complicated my life situation is, because I don't like to talk about it. I'm really good at glossing over the unpleasant things because of this, and the general population is usually uncomfortable hearing "how I am" once they realize the answer isn't "fine" or something equally brief, anyway.
The "mysterious fainting thing" that cost me my mobility and my job 3.5 months ago is merely one more thing thrown on the stack of medical b.s. that gets in my way every day. What I *need* to do usually outweighs what I *want* to do. I am BORED OUT OF MY MIND and just now feeling pretty sad about it. I don't spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I'm always trying to figure out how to make the best of it. I'm just exhausted right now. It takes a lot of energy for me to hang out or anticipate hanging out and I'm physically unable to do most of things I love. (Please don't say, "At least you can do xyz...", I already know about that). It's difficult for me to get around or get things done by myself and I'm by myself most of the time. Eating most of the food everyone else eats makes me sick, as does drinking alcohol (boo!), so hanging out in a social situation involving the two (which is most of them) stresses me out. Of course things happen, but Bill and I have been cancelled on so many times over the past few months it's giving me a complex. My body cancels on me pretty much every day, but it's been doing that for years.
I sincerely appreciate everyone who has offered their support, I'd be extra dejected if it weren't for you. I don't really need or want any more advice right now. I'm not casting stones or secretly begging for attention. I don't need people to try and fix it, I really just need you to hang out and acknowledge the absurdity with me. I'll take care of business myself."
This was well-received and I'm really glad I laid things out. I forgot to stress how fine I am with being alone for a few days at a time, it's my nature. I probably also should have mentioned my social awkwardness and anxiety, but people seem to know about that already.